Every single parent I know wants her children to grow up and feel good about themselves. We parents want our children to become confident, joyous people who can think for themselves and ultimately lead productive, independent lives. As parents, we have a part to play in that, but overpraising our children is most certainly not the way to get there.
I was at Centre Island a few weeks ago with my chidlren and I rode a ride with my daughter and on the ride with us were some other moms and their children. At the end of the ride, one mom turned to her son and said, "Good job, honey." I was truly shocked. Good job doing what, exactly? Riding a ride? Sitting still? Not being scared? It didn't make a lot of sense to me. I found myself wondering what this mom's attachement was to her son doing a "good job" on a ride. And what would happen and what would she say if the next ride he rode he got scared? Decided to stand up? Wandted to get off? Would he think in his mind, "I'm doing a bad job?" This is an oversimplified example, of course, but we are unequivicably raising a generation of kids who are hooked on praise.
What's the problem with praising my children, you might ask? Aren't I supposed to do that? I like being praised, you might think. Or, I wish my (husband/wife) would praise me, so I am going to make sure that I praise my children so they never have that feeling of longing.
Here's the glitch. When we praise our children for what they do, how they look, how they achieved, how they painted, how they did a kartwheel, we are telling them that **we** like the way it was done. We tell them that they get this praise only when we are happy with what they did, how they behaved, that they performed at a certain level or dress in a way that is pleasing to us. We tacitly send the message that these things earn our attention and praise. It's built on a system that is highly conditional and creates children who constantly look outside of themselves for validation, affirmation and a sense of "I'm okay". Over time this parenting style can create perfectionist children who will only try things if they feel they will do it well because that is how they get their parents' attention. Moreover, it can create anxiety and lead to a lower self esteem, not the opposite, which is what most parents think.
Okay, so what to do instead? Rather than say something like, "good job sharing your snack with Suzy", you could say, "I noticed you shared your snack with Suzy today." This statement is far more openended and will probably lead into a discussion as to why your child chose to share with Suzy. If not, that's okay, leave the comment as is and move on. Did you know that studies show that children who share snacks with children (by their choice) and get praised for it, "good job sharing" are far **less** likely to share the next time if no adult is around? Why? Probably becasue there is no adult there to dole out the praise, so on some level the chld thinks, "why bother".
Far better to say things like, "Thank you for putting your toys away. It really helps to keep the house tidy." or "Wow...your music grade changed from a "B" to an "A". I know how hard you've worked on that." It's far healthier for a child's sense of self to notice, acknowledge and remark on behaviour as opposed to praising it. We want to raise children who look to themselves for validation. We hope for children who engage in acts of kindness, not for some external reward, but rather the feel good reward that comes from helping someone. And that reward is given to the child, from the child. It just doesn't get any better than that.
Until next time,
Christine
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, October 4, 2010
Radical Self Responsibility, Parties, and Being "That Mom"
I admit it.
That title is an enormous mouthful! Not easy to say, absolutely no flow and not a headline any self respecting editor would ever agree to. I tried to change the words, shorten the length, choose just one thought to represent this whole post but my truth was that I didn't want to in the end. That title sums it up, and I take full responsibility for it!
Aahhh....responsibility, yes, that is a charged word that parents the world over have uttered myriad times to their children in the hopes that their children will grow up with some. But what does it mean, really? And when we realize that we have dropped the responsibility ball, there is always a way out, right? Isn't there always a story we can tell ourselves to wiggle out of our duty, our obligation to do the right thing?
I believe that when we parent our children spiritually, we endeavour to show our children, teach our children, lead by example for our children, that at the end of the day, when it all gets "shaken down" we are absolutely responsible for ourselves in all ways. In fact, a cherished mentor of mine, Caroline, taught me a phrase I had never heard of before: RADICAL self responsibility. Now this was taking the idea to the next level, and on this level, there is no wiggle room, no words for making up stories, no fingers available to point at someone else. And this notion has had me thinking ever since. When does this new level kick in? How old are we supposed to be? Can we teach this? Is a ten year old too young to be held accountable for RADICAL self responsibility? In what kinds of situations?
This past weekend gave me a wonderful backdrop to test out this theory and put my questions to the test.
What if your child goes to a birthday party and aside from some strawberries and cucumbers the rest of the food was not what you would have chosen? What if, as a result, your child came home feeling so sick she had to lay on the couch for an hour to recover? What if your other child got to enjoy a movie as part of the party she went to, and since there were more children than seat belts no one wore one? What then? Where does this notion of RADICAL self responsibility come in? (I admit to feeling a little uncomfortable with this portion of the blog, because I don't want to judge other people, I really don't! In my attempt to make sense of it all, I choose to include the facts.)
So here is my conundrum: Do I expect my six year old to go to a party and eat only the strawberries and cucumbers (which she did) and hopefully monitor herself with the rest? Yes, this feels right. Hopefully she will have learned that when she eats too much sugar she will make the brilliant connection that afterwards she does not feel well. But what if the ONLY healthy (my judgement, I realize) choices were the strawberries and cucumbers? What then? Do I teach her to ask the mom for something else? How far must a six year old go? This is my confusion. And I know that there are many parents who would say things like, "It's only one party, Christine, it's not the end of the world!" And it is true, it IS only one party, and it most certainly is NOT the end of the world, but her body is so little and it doesn't take much to tip the balance in favour of feeling unwell after all is said and done. And I suppose there ARE bigger things to worry about like peak oil, war, the environment, etc. but the decisions my daughter makes today for herself, and her six year old world will affect those bigger issues so I do see a connection in helping her navigate party food today. It's funny because there was a time when none of this was on my radar. Years ago, my children's friends were the children of MY friends, and we had the same view of food. So parties were fun, intake was monitored, moms stayed and all was fine. But I have found that once my children started school, and they were old enough to attend parties alone (and frankly wanted to!), the game changed. They were invited to parties of children I didn't know, and all bets were off about an agreed upon vision of party food. So we're back to RADICAL self responsibility.
My ten year old's recount about riding without a seat belt was fascinating because she said to me, "Well, I didn't make the rules, Mama, but I wasn't so sure about it all. It didn't feel right." It never occurred to me that they would ride without a seat belt. I HAD thought about car seats (my daughter still needs a booster), and I assumed (there was my waver from responsibility) that there must be enough or the parents would have said so. So while I choose not to dwell on what might have happened or what might have been on that ride over, I choose now to learn from this situation and have an honest talk with my daughter. Encouraging her to listen to those feelings she had on the weekend and helping her decide what to do about them is so important, I realize. But again, here is the thing: Should my ten year old daughter be expected to speak up for herself and insist she have a seat belt? Do I risk being one of "those moms" who ask the parents how they plan to drive that many kids to the theatre? Is this offensive? Will this upset the birthday girls parents? I guess RADICAL self responsibility just doesn't worry about that! I guess being "that mom" comes with the territory. I have learned such valuable lessons. Yes, my children need to take responsibility for themselves, their actions and words, but at ten and six, they still need me and my husband to intervene on the big issues of seat belts and party food. And the bigger dream is that, yes, my children will ask for other food, they will insist on a safe ride and that I get over my intense aversion to being "that mom". I choose to believe that ingesting the medicine of RADICAL self responsibility will have a huge return in all ways.
Christine
xo
That title is an enormous mouthful! Not easy to say, absolutely no flow and not a headline any self respecting editor would ever agree to. I tried to change the words, shorten the length, choose just one thought to represent this whole post but my truth was that I didn't want to in the end. That title sums it up, and I take full responsibility for it!
Aahhh....responsibility, yes, that is a charged word that parents the world over have uttered myriad times to their children in the hopes that their children will grow up with some. But what does it mean, really? And when we realize that we have dropped the responsibility ball, there is always a way out, right? Isn't there always a story we can tell ourselves to wiggle out of our duty, our obligation to do the right thing?
I believe that when we parent our children spiritually, we endeavour to show our children, teach our children, lead by example for our children, that at the end of the day, when it all gets "shaken down" we are absolutely responsible for ourselves in all ways. In fact, a cherished mentor of mine, Caroline, taught me a phrase I had never heard of before: RADICAL self responsibility. Now this was taking the idea to the next level, and on this level, there is no wiggle room, no words for making up stories, no fingers available to point at someone else. And this notion has had me thinking ever since. When does this new level kick in? How old are we supposed to be? Can we teach this? Is a ten year old too young to be held accountable for RADICAL self responsibility? In what kinds of situations?
This past weekend gave me a wonderful backdrop to test out this theory and put my questions to the test.
What if your child goes to a birthday party and aside from some strawberries and cucumbers the rest of the food was not what you would have chosen? What if, as a result, your child came home feeling so sick she had to lay on the couch for an hour to recover? What if your other child got to enjoy a movie as part of the party she went to, and since there were more children than seat belts no one wore one? What then? Where does this notion of RADICAL self responsibility come in? (I admit to feeling a little uncomfortable with this portion of the blog, because I don't want to judge other people, I really don't! In my attempt to make sense of it all, I choose to include the facts.)
So here is my conundrum: Do I expect my six year old to go to a party and eat only the strawberries and cucumbers (which she did) and hopefully monitor herself with the rest? Yes, this feels right. Hopefully she will have learned that when she eats too much sugar she will make the brilliant connection that afterwards she does not feel well. But what if the ONLY healthy (my judgement, I realize) choices were the strawberries and cucumbers? What then? Do I teach her to ask the mom for something else? How far must a six year old go? This is my confusion. And I know that there are many parents who would say things like, "It's only one party, Christine, it's not the end of the world!" And it is true, it IS only one party, and it most certainly is NOT the end of the world, but her body is so little and it doesn't take much to tip the balance in favour of feeling unwell after all is said and done. And I suppose there ARE bigger things to worry about like peak oil, war, the environment, etc. but the decisions my daughter makes today for herself, and her six year old world will affect those bigger issues so I do see a connection in helping her navigate party food today. It's funny because there was a time when none of this was on my radar. Years ago, my children's friends were the children of MY friends, and we had the same view of food. So parties were fun, intake was monitored, moms stayed and all was fine. But I have found that once my children started school, and they were old enough to attend parties alone (and frankly wanted to!), the game changed. They were invited to parties of children I didn't know, and all bets were off about an agreed upon vision of party food. So we're back to RADICAL self responsibility.
My ten year old's recount about riding without a seat belt was fascinating because she said to me, "Well, I didn't make the rules, Mama, but I wasn't so sure about it all. It didn't feel right." It never occurred to me that they would ride without a seat belt. I HAD thought about car seats (my daughter still needs a booster), and I assumed (there was my waver from responsibility) that there must be enough or the parents would have said so. So while I choose not to dwell on what might have happened or what might have been on that ride over, I choose now to learn from this situation and have an honest talk with my daughter. Encouraging her to listen to those feelings she had on the weekend and helping her decide what to do about them is so important, I realize. But again, here is the thing: Should my ten year old daughter be expected to speak up for herself and insist she have a seat belt? Do I risk being one of "those moms" who ask the parents how they plan to drive that many kids to the theatre? Is this offensive? Will this upset the birthday girls parents? I guess RADICAL self responsibility just doesn't worry about that! I guess being "that mom" comes with the territory. I have learned such valuable lessons. Yes, my children need to take responsibility for themselves, their actions and words, but at ten and six, they still need me and my husband to intervene on the big issues of seat belts and party food. And the bigger dream is that, yes, my children will ask for other food, they will insist on a safe ride and that I get over my intense aversion to being "that mom". I choose to believe that ingesting the medicine of RADICAL self responsibility will have a huge return in all ways.
Christine
xo
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Teachers
Teacher.
It seems to me that this is a word that holds an energy, a resonance, a set of emotions that is very powerful for people all over the world. All of us, no matter where we live on Mother Earth have been students and by extension, we have all had teachers.
Today I think about and ponder a specific kind of teacher: the classroom teacher. For all of us who have learned inside the four walls of a classroom, we have (hopefully) memories of teachers who touched our lives, believed in us, stood by us when other teachers did not, challenged us intellectually and above all inspired us to be lifelong learners. They created activities that were motivating, read us great literature, took us on trips that we might otherwise have never experienced and believed in the medicine that is laughter. Those are the kinds of teachers I think about today.
But there is more.
Do you remember the one teacher (or more if you were very fortunate) who not only embodied all of the above, but seemed to understand you as a spiritual person, too? The teacher who had "that something" in her eyes that conveyed that you were special, unique, with your own set of needs that may differ from those around you? The teacher who was willing to bend, flex and rethink decisions, who sometimes challenged the rules in order to best meet the needs of kids? The one who understood that there is so much more to school than the four R's, and in fact might have argued that the real curriculum lay in his own character and that of his students? The teacher who seemed to understand the spiritual gravity of his or her job? Those are the teachers who are the walking guardians of our children. Having been a teacher myself, I am not sure if my students felt I gave them that experience or not. That is for them to decide. What I do know is that there is something sacred about being given the responsibility of holding the spirits of twenty children in your hands.
It's huge!
When I put my children on the school bus and wave goodbye, I hope and pray that the person on the other end receives them with love, joy and kindness. I hope that the teachers of my girls see the essence of their spirits and celebrate who they are, foibles and all. THAT is a teacher, in my opinion. Most anyone can teach the nuts and bolts of subject matter. But I know for sure that information is taken in, internalized, and processed far more effectively if the learning environment is one of acceptance, peace, co-operation, and structure with give. Creativity, ideation and invention flow most freely when teachers move off to the side and allow children to find their own path, their own way of communicating, their own way of being with the subject matter. This is not always easy, as teachers have curriculum that must be taught, different learning styles to consider, a wide spectrum of abilities for which to plan, and children who are happier than others to be there. There are parental requests, administration demands, and of course, these mere mortals might well have their own families, households, and hobbies too!!
But there is more.
I realize that this triad of home, school, student only works if each party is willing to uphold her side of the "relationship shape". And as a parent that includes me! It is my right to speak up when I don't agree with something happening in the classroom, but I must also speak up when I am in gratitude for things that are making a positive difference in the lives of my children. Teachers need this kind of feedback and we parents are in a wonderful position to give it. Parents expect a lot of teachers (myself included), and that is fine, but I also believe that we need to expect a lot of ourselves, too. We need to be involved in the school lives of our children, we need to ask questions, support projects, attend field trips and information nights. We can hopefully volunteer in a way that resonates. We need to show up!
So today, I am in deep gratitude for all of those teachers who consciously plan for their students, who speak and act with discernment, who understand that children make mistakes, that they learn best through kindness and discipline. I honour all teachers who have been up at night with a sick child and still report for duty with a smile on their faces and patience in their hearts. I send love to those teachers who are struggling, who may not be teaching the grade they really wanted, or who are dealing with a child who is proving to need a lot more of everything than the others. I honour you, I salute you, and I send you light.
And I promise to do my part, too!
With love and gratitude,
Christine
xo
It seems to me that this is a word that holds an energy, a resonance, a set of emotions that is very powerful for people all over the world. All of us, no matter where we live on Mother Earth have been students and by extension, we have all had teachers.
Today I think about and ponder a specific kind of teacher: the classroom teacher. For all of us who have learned inside the four walls of a classroom, we have (hopefully) memories of teachers who touched our lives, believed in us, stood by us when other teachers did not, challenged us intellectually and above all inspired us to be lifelong learners. They created activities that were motivating, read us great literature, took us on trips that we might otherwise have never experienced and believed in the medicine that is laughter. Those are the kinds of teachers I think about today.
But there is more.
Do you remember the one teacher (or more if you were very fortunate) who not only embodied all of the above, but seemed to understand you as a spiritual person, too? The teacher who had "that something" in her eyes that conveyed that you were special, unique, with your own set of needs that may differ from those around you? The teacher who was willing to bend, flex and rethink decisions, who sometimes challenged the rules in order to best meet the needs of kids? The one who understood that there is so much more to school than the four R's, and in fact might have argued that the real curriculum lay in his own character and that of his students? The teacher who seemed to understand the spiritual gravity of his or her job? Those are the teachers who are the walking guardians of our children. Having been a teacher myself, I am not sure if my students felt I gave them that experience or not. That is for them to decide. What I do know is that there is something sacred about being given the responsibility of holding the spirits of twenty children in your hands.
It's huge!
When I put my children on the school bus and wave goodbye, I hope and pray that the person on the other end receives them with love, joy and kindness. I hope that the teachers of my girls see the essence of their spirits and celebrate who they are, foibles and all. THAT is a teacher, in my opinion. Most anyone can teach the nuts and bolts of subject matter. But I know for sure that information is taken in, internalized, and processed far more effectively if the learning environment is one of acceptance, peace, co-operation, and structure with give. Creativity, ideation and invention flow most freely when teachers move off to the side and allow children to find their own path, their own way of communicating, their own way of being with the subject matter. This is not always easy, as teachers have curriculum that must be taught, different learning styles to consider, a wide spectrum of abilities for which to plan, and children who are happier than others to be there. There are parental requests, administration demands, and of course, these mere mortals might well have their own families, households, and hobbies too!!
But there is more.
I realize that this triad of home, school, student only works if each party is willing to uphold her side of the "relationship shape". And as a parent that includes me! It is my right to speak up when I don't agree with something happening in the classroom, but I must also speak up when I am in gratitude for things that are making a positive difference in the lives of my children. Teachers need this kind of feedback and we parents are in a wonderful position to give it. Parents expect a lot of teachers (myself included), and that is fine, but I also believe that we need to expect a lot of ourselves, too. We need to be involved in the school lives of our children, we need to ask questions, support projects, attend field trips and information nights. We can hopefully volunteer in a way that resonates. We need to show up!
So today, I am in deep gratitude for all of those teachers who consciously plan for their students, who speak and act with discernment, who understand that children make mistakes, that they learn best through kindness and discipline. I honour all teachers who have been up at night with a sick child and still report for duty with a smile on their faces and patience in their hearts. I send love to those teachers who are struggling, who may not be teaching the grade they really wanted, or who are dealing with a child who is proving to need a lot more of everything than the others. I honour you, I salute you, and I send you light.
And I promise to do my part, too!
With love and gratitude,
Christine
xo
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Honouring Sadness, Truth and Father Time
I am often encouraging parents and caregivers to honour sadness in their children, and today I take my own medicine and honour my own sadness. As I finished typing the last word of today's thought about time going by quickly, I was suddenly and unexpectedly overcome with soul wrenching sadness. And while I know that time stops for no one, I don't like this today. Today I want time to stand still, I want my children to stay these ages for a while longer. I ache at the notion of them growing up today. I know, I know....independence, maturation, opening of wings and letting go are all healthy parts of a child's spiritual experience. I also realize that these are all healthy parts of my own spiritual growth as a mother, too. But today I don't like it. I don't want to pretend that I feel okay about this today!
Today I want to gather up my daughters, smother them with kisses and love and selfishly keep them here where I can have them to myself. I want to hide them from Father Time.
When they are in school in the Fall, I wonder what I will do with myself. For ten years, I have had the ultimate privilege of staying at home with them full time. I am eternally grateful for a husband who has honoured this choice, honoured the investment of time into our children and has seen it as the full time blessing it has been. He has always said that it has been easy for him to go to work every day knowing that the girls were at home with me. I wouldn't change a thing, not one moment of the last ten years, and some of those moments were not easy. I realize that part of my sadness is for myself, not them. I sometimes feel like a leaf wafting around in the breeze, unsure of which branch I belong to. Where will this leaf anchor itself in the Fall? I thought I would return to teaching, but after a rather truth testing experience two weeks ago, I realize that this profession, while noble and honourable, is no longer my truth. It could have been so easy: I was being offered the opportunity of a part time teaching assignment in a school five minutes from my house in a school Board that is hardly hiring right now. I would have been teaching a subject I could teach with my eyes closed and working with children, among my most favourite humans! Benefits, pension, excellent salary, vacation that would be the same as my children's. WHY is this not enough? I tried to convince myself that this would be a good idea, that I would be happy...but I knew deep in my soul that this was not true. The more I stand in my truth, the harder it is to hide from it. There it is: the double edged sword of walking my most authentic path.
So as I let the sadness, the uncertainty, and the anxiety wash through me, I shake it all down to what seems to be a recurring lesson: trust. Spirit encourages me to trust myself, trust that I DO know what is best for me and that when I trust, the Universe will pave the way for all that is in my highest and greatest good. I must also trust time. I trust that my children are becoming who they are in the time they have chosen, and that the biggest gift I can give them is to stay out of their way, just off to the side with what they need to continue on. Honouring their truth is also honouring that they are growing up, changing, morphing into the wonderful beings that they are.
Aahhh...suddenly I feel a bit better. The writing helps with finding the truth, the wisdom, the teaching and learning that gets brought to my life each day. Part of my human experience on Mother Earth is fulfilling my soul's deepest desires. And while I am not exactly sure what that will be, I trust that walking an honest path will help reveal all I am to know.
So, it's okay, Father Time...I know you tick on and with it, I will tick on, too, commiting myself to enjoying each moment life brings and trusting that all is well....in all ways!
Love Christine
xo
Today I want to gather up my daughters, smother them with kisses and love and selfishly keep them here where I can have them to myself. I want to hide them from Father Time.
When they are in school in the Fall, I wonder what I will do with myself. For ten years, I have had the ultimate privilege of staying at home with them full time. I am eternally grateful for a husband who has honoured this choice, honoured the investment of time into our children and has seen it as the full time blessing it has been. He has always said that it has been easy for him to go to work every day knowing that the girls were at home with me. I wouldn't change a thing, not one moment of the last ten years, and some of those moments were not easy. I realize that part of my sadness is for myself, not them. I sometimes feel like a leaf wafting around in the breeze, unsure of which branch I belong to. Where will this leaf anchor itself in the Fall? I thought I would return to teaching, but after a rather truth testing experience two weeks ago, I realize that this profession, while noble and honourable, is no longer my truth. It could have been so easy: I was being offered the opportunity of a part time teaching assignment in a school five minutes from my house in a school Board that is hardly hiring right now. I would have been teaching a subject I could teach with my eyes closed and working with children, among my most favourite humans! Benefits, pension, excellent salary, vacation that would be the same as my children's. WHY is this not enough? I tried to convince myself that this would be a good idea, that I would be happy...but I knew deep in my soul that this was not true. The more I stand in my truth, the harder it is to hide from it. There it is: the double edged sword of walking my most authentic path.
So as I let the sadness, the uncertainty, and the anxiety wash through me, I shake it all down to what seems to be a recurring lesson: trust. Spirit encourages me to trust myself, trust that I DO know what is best for me and that when I trust, the Universe will pave the way for all that is in my highest and greatest good. I must also trust time. I trust that my children are becoming who they are in the time they have chosen, and that the biggest gift I can give them is to stay out of their way, just off to the side with what they need to continue on. Honouring their truth is also honouring that they are growing up, changing, morphing into the wonderful beings that they are.
Aahhh...suddenly I feel a bit better. The writing helps with finding the truth, the wisdom, the teaching and learning that gets brought to my life each day. Part of my human experience on Mother Earth is fulfilling my soul's deepest desires. And while I am not exactly sure what that will be, I trust that walking an honest path will help reveal all I am to know.
So, it's okay, Father Time...I know you tick on and with it, I will tick on, too, commiting myself to enjoying each moment life brings and trusting that all is well....in all ways!
Love Christine
xo
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"Talking Back"
When I was a little girl, I learned very quickly that "talking back" would land me in a boatload of trouble. "Don't be saucy", was a message I heard on more than one occasion!
I was reminded of all this today when my younger daughter decided to "talk back" to me about some tidying we were doing. Every parent has his or her own buttons that get pushed by behaviours that come from their children (which in fact is a sure sign that the parent has some work to do), but "talking back" is not one of them for me. I actually like it when my girls speak their minds, because it gives me insight into what they are thinking, and frankly, I want my girls to grow up with a little "spice" along with their "sugar". That is not to say that I handle "talking back" well. As always, it depends on where I am inside of myself and goodness knows, I try to temper any reaction I have to their truth with a quick check in with myself to see whose "stuff" is on display. But today, I handled it in a way that made me proud.
Like I said, we were tidying up, because the house, frankly had become quite a site and I couldn't take it anymore. So, fact number one was that it my MY idea to tidy, not theirs. Generally speaking, my girls are very amenable to helping with tidying, but there are times when they say they don't want to in that moment, and I can respect that, because I don't always want to do, say, what my husband wants me to do just because it's a good time for him. But today, everyone was on board, and I had made a small pile of goodies that belonged to the girls to put away. On inspection, my younger daughter took some things from the pile, put them away and came back for more, when she noticed a bottle of after ear piercing solution and a dish of Q-Tips that we had used earlier, as they both got their ears pierced on Friday. So she said to me, "Those things aren't mine, Mommy". And I said, "I know, but would you please put them on the stairs?" And she responded, "But the Q-Tips are yours!". Here is where the younger me would have been told in no uncertain terms that I was to do as I was told, end of story. But I actually value the conversation, because it gives me a chance to take advantage of a wonderful teachable moment with my daughter to explain something that is very important to my husband and me: co-operation in the home. And I should also include that her tone of voice wasn't rude or "saucy" as my mom might have said, she was genuinely wondering why she should have to put something away that isn't hers. So I sat her down and explained that she is indeed correct: the Q-Tips are mine but to please remember that they were used with the solution that mommy bought for her and her sister to care for their ears. I love the opportunity to explain that in our home, we work as a team, and sometimes we do put things away that are not ours. We clean off the kitchen table so we can all eat there and we take the time to put our toys away so they can be found the next time someone is looking for them. (I am often putting away toys that I didn't play with, but I enjoy being part of the team, and I figure it's good modelling for exactly what transpired this morning.) It would be like mommy only preparing dinner for herself even though everyone is hungry, or mommy only doing her laundry even though everyone's clothes need cleaning, I explained. Aaahhh...I could hear the bell dinging. THIS made sense to her. She could understand this reasoning. "Okay!" she said and toddled off to put the items in question away.
I maintain that if "talking back" were simply viewed as a child's way of questioning their world, of learning about themselves, and those around them, fewer spirits would get crushed. Children have the right to ask questions; that is how they learn. We say as a society that we want our children to be curious and inquisitive, but it's often on adult terms. Why is this? And why is it okay for children to ask why the sky is blue, but not okay to ask why they have to put stuff away that isn't theirs? The answer, I suspect, is in part because adults don't genereally like their authority being challenged. But is it a challenge, really? Not for me, it isn't. I don't see myself in authority of my children. I don't see them as my friends, either, but I certainly want our interactions to be friendly. Big difference there. In fact, I don't believe that adults know more than their children, either. Oh sure, we have more "this lifetime" experience, but who are we to decide that we know what is best for them? Parenting spiritually recognizes that the spirits of our children are all knowing, wise, sacred, to be revered and protected at all cost. It is embracing that our children will most likely teach us far more than we will ever teach them, if we let them, if we get our egos out of the way, if we are willing to listen to their whispers (or sometimes their protests).
Some parents might say, "but you're the mom, they should do what you say!" Really? I am their mom, that is true, but they have rights, desires and timelines that deserve respect, too. Offering children choices about when to carry out jobs is a great strategy that is positive for everyone. "Girls, the room needs to be tidied up, would you like to do it now or after dinner?" And tone of voice is a nuance that is important to discuss with children, because often "it's not what we say, but how we say it" that gets us into hot water with most of society. (I still see a "saucy" tone as an opportunity to teach my children, but not in that moment. Deal with one thing at a time!)
So we either expect blind obedience (which is very dangerous, to say the least) or we value our children's questions, all of their questions as their way of making sense of the world around them. Of course accepting the later as the way to go also means that we accept that this takes time. No one said parenting was efficient. No one said it was easy, and no one said children get stuff the first time around! When we choose to bring a child into this world, we hopefully understand that it's going to take energy unlike anything we have done before. And on the flip side, no one tells us how our hearts will swell with love we didn't know we had, no one tells us the ache of heavenly bliss we will feel when a little hand reaches up for ours, or how healing it is when a bundle of love climbs into bed with us in the morning for the world's best snuggles! Those we have to experience for ourselves.
Enjoy your children, answer their questions and trust in their divine, spiritual knowledge!
Christine
xo
Embracing Healed Parenting
I was reminded of all this today when my younger daughter decided to "talk back" to me about some tidying we were doing. Every parent has his or her own buttons that get pushed by behaviours that come from their children (which in fact is a sure sign that the parent has some work to do), but "talking back" is not one of them for me. I actually like it when my girls speak their minds, because it gives me insight into what they are thinking, and frankly, I want my girls to grow up with a little "spice" along with their "sugar". That is not to say that I handle "talking back" well. As always, it depends on where I am inside of myself and goodness knows, I try to temper any reaction I have to their truth with a quick check in with myself to see whose "stuff" is on display. But today, I handled it in a way that made me proud.
Like I said, we were tidying up, because the house, frankly had become quite a site and I couldn't take it anymore. So, fact number one was that it my MY idea to tidy, not theirs. Generally speaking, my girls are very amenable to helping with tidying, but there are times when they say they don't want to in that moment, and I can respect that, because I don't always want to do, say, what my husband wants me to do just because it's a good time for him. But today, everyone was on board, and I had made a small pile of goodies that belonged to the girls to put away. On inspection, my younger daughter took some things from the pile, put them away and came back for more, when she noticed a bottle of after ear piercing solution and a dish of Q-Tips that we had used earlier, as they both got their ears pierced on Friday. So she said to me, "Those things aren't mine, Mommy". And I said, "I know, but would you please put them on the stairs?" And she responded, "But the Q-Tips are yours!". Here is where the younger me would have been told in no uncertain terms that I was to do as I was told, end of story. But I actually value the conversation, because it gives me a chance to take advantage of a wonderful teachable moment with my daughter to explain something that is very important to my husband and me: co-operation in the home. And I should also include that her tone of voice wasn't rude or "saucy" as my mom might have said, she was genuinely wondering why she should have to put something away that isn't hers. So I sat her down and explained that she is indeed correct: the Q-Tips are mine but to please remember that they were used with the solution that mommy bought for her and her sister to care for their ears. I love the opportunity to explain that in our home, we work as a team, and sometimes we do put things away that are not ours. We clean off the kitchen table so we can all eat there and we take the time to put our toys away so they can be found the next time someone is looking for them. (I am often putting away toys that I didn't play with, but I enjoy being part of the team, and I figure it's good modelling for exactly what transpired this morning.) It would be like mommy only preparing dinner for herself even though everyone is hungry, or mommy only doing her laundry even though everyone's clothes need cleaning, I explained. Aaahhh...I could hear the bell dinging. THIS made sense to her. She could understand this reasoning. "Okay!" she said and toddled off to put the items in question away.
I maintain that if "talking back" were simply viewed as a child's way of questioning their world, of learning about themselves, and those around them, fewer spirits would get crushed. Children have the right to ask questions; that is how they learn. We say as a society that we want our children to be curious and inquisitive, but it's often on adult terms. Why is this? And why is it okay for children to ask why the sky is blue, but not okay to ask why they have to put stuff away that isn't theirs? The answer, I suspect, is in part because adults don't genereally like their authority being challenged. But is it a challenge, really? Not for me, it isn't. I don't see myself in authority of my children. I don't see them as my friends, either, but I certainly want our interactions to be friendly. Big difference there. In fact, I don't believe that adults know more than their children, either. Oh sure, we have more "this lifetime" experience, but who are we to decide that we know what is best for them? Parenting spiritually recognizes that the spirits of our children are all knowing, wise, sacred, to be revered and protected at all cost. It is embracing that our children will most likely teach us far more than we will ever teach them, if we let them, if we get our egos out of the way, if we are willing to listen to their whispers (or sometimes their protests).
Some parents might say, "but you're the mom, they should do what you say!" Really? I am their mom, that is true, but they have rights, desires and timelines that deserve respect, too. Offering children choices about when to carry out jobs is a great strategy that is positive for everyone. "Girls, the room needs to be tidied up, would you like to do it now or after dinner?" And tone of voice is a nuance that is important to discuss with children, because often "it's not what we say, but how we say it" that gets us into hot water with most of society. (I still see a "saucy" tone as an opportunity to teach my children, but not in that moment. Deal with one thing at a time!)
So we either expect blind obedience (which is very dangerous, to say the least) or we value our children's questions, all of their questions as their way of making sense of the world around them. Of course accepting the later as the way to go also means that we accept that this takes time. No one said parenting was efficient. No one said it was easy, and no one said children get stuff the first time around! When we choose to bring a child into this world, we hopefully understand that it's going to take energy unlike anything we have done before. And on the flip side, no one tells us how our hearts will swell with love we didn't know we had, no one tells us the ache of heavenly bliss we will feel when a little hand reaches up for ours, or how healing it is when a bundle of love climbs into bed with us in the morning for the world's best snuggles! Those we have to experience for ourselves.
Enjoy your children, answer their questions and trust in their divine, spiritual knowledge!
Christine
xo
Embracing Healed Parenting
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Becoming Myself
Today, I dropped my girls off at camp and I was on my way to meet a friend for tea. As I drove, I passed a motel that every year has the most beautiful flowers in front. The flowers are lovingly watered and tended to and the array of colours is breathtaking. This year is no exception. Almost every time I drive past them, I comment on them to my girls. "Look at the flowers, girls, they are soooo beautiful, I say". They are truly that lovely. But something different happened today. They were more beautiful, more colourful, more alive looking than ever before. They seemed to speak to me today and beckon for my gaze. I felt at one with the flowers. The pull and attraction were so strong, that I wanted to pull over and touch them, talk to them, BE the flowers. And in that moment, I felt such joy, like my whole being was watered with happiness. It was so strong that I began to cry. Tears of pure blissful joy sprung up and I felt so alive and at one with the Universe that I could hardly sit still. The world is brighter, the noises crisper, animals are more beautiful, curious and playful. I LOVE LIFE, I wanted to shout!
As I continued to drive, I began to wonder why today of all days I should be so blessed with this divine joy and contentment. Were the flowers really brighter? Were people suddenly friendlier? Were my children different? Were the animals truly putting on a better show? No, I realized, they were not. It is I who is different. It's my perception of the world that is different today and this is why: In those moments earlier this morning and more and more in my life lately, I live in the moment. Each beautiful, delicious moment as it arises. My Gosh this is SO simple....why don't I do it more? Oh, I've read what the experts say about conscious living and my head "gets" this living in the moment notion, but for much of my life I was unable to do it. I was so busy living in the past and worrying about the future that I was missing my life! For a practice that really is simple, it can be very hard for me.
But today is different; today I relish, love, appreciate and express gratitude for every succulent, juicy, joyous moment that I am alive. Today I give deep thanks and enormous gratitude for every human who has helped me heal. I step forward and sincerely thank all of those beings for their wisdom, their generosity of spirit to help me learn more about myself, to be gentle with myself and to extend that gentleness to those around me. I no longer feel the need to hide what I have to offer the world. I am here and I always have been, it's true. But today I believe in myself in a way I don't remember. "I count" a little voice is whispering to me. Today I hear it, today I honour it, today I put it on display for the one person who matters: myself! It is reverence for healing that I feel today. For that healing is what allows me to be my brightest self and enjoy this beautiful life I have.
Things are shifting, there is change in the air, I am emerging from my cocoon. My butterfly self is waiting for me to awaken her. I am ready!
Christine
xo
As I continued to drive, I began to wonder why today of all days I should be so blessed with this divine joy and contentment. Were the flowers really brighter? Were people suddenly friendlier? Were my children different? Were the animals truly putting on a better show? No, I realized, they were not. It is I who is different. It's my perception of the world that is different today and this is why: In those moments earlier this morning and more and more in my life lately, I live in the moment. Each beautiful, delicious moment as it arises. My Gosh this is SO simple....why don't I do it more? Oh, I've read what the experts say about conscious living and my head "gets" this living in the moment notion, but for much of my life I was unable to do it. I was so busy living in the past and worrying about the future that I was missing my life! For a practice that really is simple, it can be very hard for me.
But today is different; today I relish, love, appreciate and express gratitude for every succulent, juicy, joyous moment that I am alive. Today I give deep thanks and enormous gratitude for every human who has helped me heal. I step forward and sincerely thank all of those beings for their wisdom, their generosity of spirit to help me learn more about myself, to be gentle with myself and to extend that gentleness to those around me. I no longer feel the need to hide what I have to offer the world. I am here and I always have been, it's true. But today I believe in myself in a way I don't remember. "I count" a little voice is whispering to me. Today I hear it, today I honour it, today I put it on display for the one person who matters: myself! It is reverence for healing that I feel today. For that healing is what allows me to be my brightest self and enjoy this beautiful life I have.
Things are shifting, there is change in the air, I am emerging from my cocoon. My butterfly self is waiting for me to awaken her. I am ready!
Christine
xo
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My Children ~ My Teachers
Just this morning, I learned yet another beautiful lesson at the hands of my daughter.
We decided after morning snuggles to ride our bikes to the local cafe for breakfast. With full tummies, we arrived back home and as we came in, I asked my girls to wash their hands and then proceeded to ask my older daughter to put some drawing materials away. Not thinking anything about these requests, I proceeded to go about my business.
A few moments later, my daughter came into the kitchen and said to me, "Mama, you know how you're always looking to be the best mom you can be?". "Yes," I replied, (wondering what I had done this time)! "Well, I don't really like it when you ask me to do two things at once. It's like you don't give me a chance to do the first thing before you ask me to do the second thing." "Oh!", I replied, genuinely surprised. I honestly hadn't given it a second thought. I proceeded to thank her for her honesty and for sharing with me her feelings of frustration. She asked me if I would only ask for one thing to be done before I added another request to the list. I responded that I most certainly could do that. She toddled away, and that was that!
It is moments like these that give me such gratitude and peace about being a mom. This mom role is tough some days, and I truly value the feedback. Now some feedback is easier to hear than others, but I truly believe that if we can give our children space to speak their truth and hear it without judgement or attachment, we give the relationship an enormous gift. And for me, the relationship is worth protecting in the same way a mama bear protects her cubs. If I have any hope of my children coming to me for guidance and support as they navigate the teen years, I simply must lay that foundation now, during these earlier years.
Now I have a confession to make: I was not always able to hear this kind of feedback so graciously. There was a time when I may have responded very differently to my daughter, not have been as open, would have taken things personally.
Early in our marriage, my husband and I realized that we needed help tending to our relationship as we walked this new married path together. We were finding ourselves in conflict over various aspects of our life together, and the conversations did not always go smoothly. He was desperately unhappy in his job and I was often frustrated and sometimes even rage filled over unresolved issues that lingered from unhealed parts of my life. We knew we loved each other, we just didn't always know how to relate to each other.
A wonderful healer who has blessed our lives planted the seeds of growth that led to deep transformation. I remember one session in which she asked us individually who was the most important person in our lives. "Chrisitne", replied my husband. "Jeff", I replied. She looked at us with kind eyes that conveyed we had some learning to do. Yes, honouring each other is noble and all very nice, she said, but we need to see ourselves as the most sacred person in our lives. "Huh?", I remember thinking. This was definitely new. She very gently guided our thinking to realizing that when we heal ourselves, when our own tank is full, when we are in love with ourselves, when we honour ourselves, when we take care of ourselves first, we have more to give the world. We can be our brightest beings. We can spread love, light and walk our most authentic paths. We can be in that beautiful position I found myself in today whereupon I could hear my daughter's request without judgement. I could thank her and realize, that of course I make mistakes as a mom, and aren't I lucky that I have a daughter who chose me despite my shortcomings.
Now and again my husband and I need reminders, but by and large, we have learned to exist peacefully and lovingly inside of our marriage while protecting our own selves as sacred and seperate from the union to each other.
So the gratitude I felt today was for the gift of healing, for the healing that all beings do here on Mother Earth. For when we heal, by Universal law, we heal those around us, and that to me, is profoundly beautiful.
With love,
Christine
We decided after morning snuggles to ride our bikes to the local cafe for breakfast. With full tummies, we arrived back home and as we came in, I asked my girls to wash their hands and then proceeded to ask my older daughter to put some drawing materials away. Not thinking anything about these requests, I proceeded to go about my business.
A few moments later, my daughter came into the kitchen and said to me, "Mama, you know how you're always looking to be the best mom you can be?". "Yes," I replied, (wondering what I had done this time)! "Well, I don't really like it when you ask me to do two things at once. It's like you don't give me a chance to do the first thing before you ask me to do the second thing." "Oh!", I replied, genuinely surprised. I honestly hadn't given it a second thought. I proceeded to thank her for her honesty and for sharing with me her feelings of frustration. She asked me if I would only ask for one thing to be done before I added another request to the list. I responded that I most certainly could do that. She toddled away, and that was that!
It is moments like these that give me such gratitude and peace about being a mom. This mom role is tough some days, and I truly value the feedback. Now some feedback is easier to hear than others, but I truly believe that if we can give our children space to speak their truth and hear it without judgement or attachment, we give the relationship an enormous gift. And for me, the relationship is worth protecting in the same way a mama bear protects her cubs. If I have any hope of my children coming to me for guidance and support as they navigate the teen years, I simply must lay that foundation now, during these earlier years.
Now I have a confession to make: I was not always able to hear this kind of feedback so graciously. There was a time when I may have responded very differently to my daughter, not have been as open, would have taken things personally.
Early in our marriage, my husband and I realized that we needed help tending to our relationship as we walked this new married path together. We were finding ourselves in conflict over various aspects of our life together, and the conversations did not always go smoothly. He was desperately unhappy in his job and I was often frustrated and sometimes even rage filled over unresolved issues that lingered from unhealed parts of my life. We knew we loved each other, we just didn't always know how to relate to each other.
A wonderful healer who has blessed our lives planted the seeds of growth that led to deep transformation. I remember one session in which she asked us individually who was the most important person in our lives. "Chrisitne", replied my husband. "Jeff", I replied. She looked at us with kind eyes that conveyed we had some learning to do. Yes, honouring each other is noble and all very nice, she said, but we need to see ourselves as the most sacred person in our lives. "Huh?", I remember thinking. This was definitely new. She very gently guided our thinking to realizing that when we heal ourselves, when our own tank is full, when we are in love with ourselves, when we honour ourselves, when we take care of ourselves first, we have more to give the world. We can be our brightest beings. We can spread love, light and walk our most authentic paths. We can be in that beautiful position I found myself in today whereupon I could hear my daughter's request without judgement. I could thank her and realize, that of course I make mistakes as a mom, and aren't I lucky that I have a daughter who chose me despite my shortcomings.
Now and again my husband and I need reminders, but by and large, we have learned to exist peacefully and lovingly inside of our marriage while protecting our own selves as sacred and seperate from the union to each other.
So the gratitude I felt today was for the gift of healing, for the healing that all beings do here on Mother Earth. For when we heal, by Universal law, we heal those around us, and that to me, is profoundly beautiful.
With love,
Christine
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)