Raising Children Hooked on Praise

Every single parent I know wants her children to grow up and feel good about themselves. We parents want our children to become confident, joyous people who can think for themselves and ultimately lead productive, independent lives. As parents, we have a part to play in that, but overpraising our children is most certainly not the way to get there.

I was at Centre Island a few weeks ago with my chidlren and I rode a ride with my daughter and on the ride with us were some other moms and their children. At the end of the ride, one mom turned to her son and said, "Good job, honey." I was truly shocked. Good job doing what, exactly? Riding a ride? Sitting still? Not being scared? It didn't make a lot of sense to me. I found myself wondering what this mom's attachement was to her son doing a "good job" on a ride. And what would happen and what would she say if the next ride he rode he got scared? Decided to stand up? Wandted to get off? Would he think in his mind, "I'm doing a bad job?" This is an oversimplified example, of course, but we are unequivicably raising a generation of kids who are hooked on praise.

What's the problem with praising my children, you might ask? Aren't I supposed to do that? I like being praised, you might think. Or, I wish my (husband/wife) would praise me, so I am going to make sure that I praise my children so they never have that feeling of longing.

Here's the glitch. When we praise our children for what they do, how they look, how they achieved, how they painted, how they did a kartwheel, we are telling them that **we** like the way it was done. We tell them that they get this praise only when we are happy with what they did, how they behaved, that they performed at a certain level or dress in a way that is pleasing to us. We tacitly send the message that these things earn our attention and praise. It's built on a system that is highly conditional and creates children who constantly look outside of themselves for validation, affirmation and a sense of "I'm okay". Over time this parenting style can create perfectionist children who will only try things if they feel they will do it well because that is how they get their parents' attention. Moreover, it can create anxiety and lead to a lower self esteem, not the opposite, which is what most parents think.

Okay, so what to do instead? Rather than say something like, "good job sharing your snack with Suzy", you could say, "I noticed you shared your snack with Suzy today." This statement is far more openended and will probably lead into a discussion as to why your child chose to share with Suzy. If not, that's okay, leave the comment as is and move on. Did you know that studies show that children who share snacks with children (by their choice) and get praised for it, "good job sharing" are far **less** likely to share the next time if no adult is around? Why? Probably becasue there is no adult there to dole out the praise, so on some level the chld thinks, "why bother".

Far better to say things like, "Thank you for putting your toys away. It really helps to keep the house tidy." or "Wow...your music grade changed from a "B" to an "A". I know how hard you've worked on that." It's far healthier for a child's sense of self to notice, acknowledge and remark on behaviour as opposed to praising it. We want to raise children who look to themselves for validation. We hope for children who engage in acts of kindness, not for some external reward, but rather the feel good reward that comes from helping someone. And that reward is given to the child, from the child. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Until next time,

Christine