I admit it.
That title is an enormous mouthful! Not easy to say, absolutely no flow and not a headline any self respecting editor would ever agree to. I tried to change the words, shorten the length, choose just one thought to represent this whole post but my truth was that I didn't want to in the end. That title sums it up, and I take full responsibility for it!
Aahhh....responsibility, yes, that is a charged word that parents the world over have uttered myriad times to their children in the hopes that their children will grow up with some. But what does it mean, really? And when we realize that we have dropped the responsibility ball, there is always a way out, right? Isn't there always a story we can tell ourselves to wiggle out of our duty, our obligation to do the right thing?
I believe that when we parent our children spiritually, we endeavour to show our children, teach our children, lead by example for our children, that at the end of the day, when it all gets "shaken down" we are absolutely responsible for ourselves in all ways. In fact, a cherished mentor of mine, Caroline, taught me a phrase I had never heard of before: RADICAL self responsibility. Now this was taking the idea to the next level, and on this level, there is no wiggle room, no words for making up stories, no fingers available to point at someone else. And this notion has had me thinking ever since. When does this new level kick in? How old are we supposed to be? Can we teach this? Is a ten year old too young to be held accountable for RADICAL self responsibility? In what kinds of situations?
This past weekend gave me a wonderful backdrop to test out this theory and put my questions to the test.
What if your child goes to a birthday party and aside from some strawberries and cucumbers the rest of the food was not what you would have chosen? What if, as a result, your child came home feeling so sick she had to lay on the couch for an hour to recover? What if your other child got to enjoy a movie as part of the party she went to, and since there were more children than seat belts no one wore one? What then? Where does this notion of RADICAL self responsibility come in? (I admit to feeling a little uncomfortable with this portion of the blog, because I don't want to judge other people, I really don't! In my attempt to make sense of it all, I choose to include the facts.)
So here is my conundrum: Do I expect my six year old to go to a party and eat only the strawberries and cucumbers (which she did) and hopefully monitor herself with the rest? Yes, this feels right. Hopefully she will have learned that when she eats too much sugar she will make the brilliant connection that afterwards she does not feel well. But what if the ONLY healthy (my judgement, I realize) choices were the strawberries and cucumbers? What then? Do I teach her to ask the mom for something else? How far must a six year old go? This is my confusion. And I know that there are many parents who would say things like, "It's only one party, Christine, it's not the end of the world!" And it is true, it IS only one party, and it most certainly is NOT the end of the world, but her body is so little and it doesn't take much to tip the balance in favour of feeling unwell after all is said and done. And I suppose there ARE bigger things to worry about like peak oil, war, the environment, etc. but the decisions my daughter makes today for herself, and her six year old world will affect those bigger issues so I do see a connection in helping her navigate party food today. It's funny because there was a time when none of this was on my radar. Years ago, my children's friends were the children of MY friends, and we had the same view of food. So parties were fun, intake was monitored, moms stayed and all was fine. But I have found that once my children started school, and they were old enough to attend parties alone (and frankly wanted to!), the game changed. They were invited to parties of children I didn't know, and all bets were off about an agreed upon vision of party food. So we're back to RADICAL self responsibility.
My ten year old's recount about riding without a seat belt was fascinating because she said to me, "Well, I didn't make the rules, Mama, but I wasn't so sure about it all. It didn't feel right." It never occurred to me that they would ride without a seat belt. I HAD thought about car seats (my daughter still needs a booster), and I assumed (there was my waver from responsibility) that there must be enough or the parents would have said so. So while I choose not to dwell on what might have happened or what might have been on that ride over, I choose now to learn from this situation and have an honest talk with my daughter. Encouraging her to listen to those feelings she had on the weekend and helping her decide what to do about them is so important, I realize. But again, here is the thing: Should my ten year old daughter be expected to speak up for herself and insist she have a seat belt? Do I risk being one of "those moms" who ask the parents how they plan to drive that many kids to the theatre? Is this offensive? Will this upset the birthday girls parents? I guess RADICAL self responsibility just doesn't worry about that! I guess being "that mom" comes with the territory. I have learned such valuable lessons. Yes, my children need to take responsibility for themselves, their actions and words, but at ten and six, they still need me and my husband to intervene on the big issues of seat belts and party food. And the bigger dream is that, yes, my children will ask for other food, they will insist on a safe ride and that I get over my intense aversion to being "that mom". I choose to believe that ingesting the medicine of RADICAL self responsibility will have a huge return in all ways.
Christine
xo
