When I was a little girl, I learned very quickly that "talking back" would land me in a boatload of trouble. "Don't be saucy", was a message I heard on more than one occasion!
I was reminded of all this today when my younger daughter decided to "talk back" to me about some tidying we were doing. Every parent has his or her own buttons that get pushed by behaviours that come from their children (which in fact is a sure sign that the parent has some work to do), but "talking back" is not one of them for me. I actually like it when my girls speak their minds, because it gives me insight into what they are thinking, and frankly, I want my girls to grow up with a little "spice" along with their "sugar". That is not to say that I handle "talking back" well. As always, it depends on where I am inside of myself and goodness knows, I try to temper any reaction I have to their truth with a quick check in with myself to see whose "stuff" is on display. But today, I handled it in a way that made me proud.
Like I said, we were tidying up, because the house, frankly had become quite a site and I couldn't take it anymore. So, fact number one was that it my MY idea to tidy, not theirs. Generally speaking, my girls are very amenable to helping with tidying, but there are times when they say they don't want to in that moment, and I can respect that, because I don't always want to do, say, what my husband wants me to do just because it's a good time for him. But today, everyone was on board, and I had made a small pile of goodies that belonged to the girls to put away. On inspection, my younger daughter took some things from the pile, put them away and came back for more, when she noticed a bottle of after ear piercing solution and a dish of Q-Tips that we had used earlier, as they both got their ears pierced on Friday. So she said to me, "Those things aren't mine, Mommy". And I said, "I know, but would you please put them on the stairs?" And she responded, "But the Q-Tips are yours!". Here is where the younger me would have been told in no uncertain terms that I was to do as I was told, end of story. But I actually value the conversation, because it gives me a chance to take advantage of a wonderful teachable moment with my daughter to explain something that is very important to my husband and me: co-operation in the home. And I should also include that her tone of voice wasn't rude or "saucy" as my mom might have said, she was genuinely wondering why she should have to put something away that isn't hers. So I sat her down and explained that she is indeed correct: the Q-Tips are mine but to please remember that they were used with the solution that mommy bought for her and her sister to care for their ears. I love the opportunity to explain that in our home, we work as a team, and sometimes we do put things away that are not ours. We clean off the kitchen table so we can all eat there and we take the time to put our toys away so they can be found the next time someone is looking for them. (I am often putting away toys that I didn't play with, but I enjoy being part of the team, and I figure it's good modelling for exactly what transpired this morning.) It would be like mommy only preparing dinner for herself even though everyone is hungry, or mommy only doing her laundry even though everyone's clothes need cleaning, I explained. Aaahhh...I could hear the bell dinging. THIS made sense to her. She could understand this reasoning. "Okay!" she said and toddled off to put the items in question away.
I maintain that if "talking back" were simply viewed as a child's way of questioning their world, of learning about themselves, and those around them, fewer spirits would get crushed. Children have the right to ask questions; that is how they learn. We say as a society that we want our children to be curious and inquisitive, but it's often on adult terms. Why is this? And why is it okay for children to ask why the sky is blue, but not okay to ask why they have to put stuff away that isn't theirs? The answer, I suspect, is in part because adults don't genereally like their authority being challenged. But is it a challenge, really? Not for me, it isn't. I don't see myself in authority of my children. I don't see them as my friends, either, but I certainly want our interactions to be friendly. Big difference there. In fact, I don't believe that adults know more than their children, either. Oh sure, we have more "this lifetime" experience, but who are we to decide that we know what is best for them? Parenting spiritually recognizes that the spirits of our children are all knowing, wise, sacred, to be revered and protected at all cost. It is embracing that our children will most likely teach us far more than we will ever teach them, if we let them, if we get our egos out of the way, if we are willing to listen to their whispers (or sometimes their protests).
Some parents might say, "but you're the mom, they should do what you say!" Really? I am their mom, that is true, but they have rights, desires and timelines that deserve respect, too. Offering children choices about when to carry out jobs is a great strategy that is positive for everyone. "Girls, the room needs to be tidied up, would you like to do it now or after dinner?" And tone of voice is a nuance that is important to discuss with children, because often "it's not what we say, but how we say it" that gets us into hot water with most of society. (I still see a "saucy" tone as an opportunity to teach my children, but not in that moment. Deal with one thing at a time!)
So we either expect blind obedience (which is very dangerous, to say the least) or we value our children's questions, all of their questions as their way of making sense of the world around them. Of course accepting the later as the way to go also means that we accept that this takes time. No one said parenting was efficient. No one said it was easy, and no one said children get stuff the first time around! When we choose to bring a child into this world, we hopefully understand that it's going to take energy unlike anything we have done before. And on the flip side, no one tells us how our hearts will swell with love we didn't know we had, no one tells us the ache of heavenly bliss we will feel when a little hand reaches up for ours, or how healing it is when a bundle of love climbs into bed with us in the morning for the world's best snuggles! Those we have to experience for ourselves.
Enjoy your children, answer their questions and trust in their divine, spiritual knowledge!
Christine
xo
Embracing Healed Parenting
